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February 28, 2005

*Whooh*

I just spent the last 5 hours re-editing my Japan Journal that I pretty shoddily threw together over the summer. It's not really much better at the moment, but it's all in post-form, which makes it much easier to edit and looks neater. I may be adding more to it very soon as well. If you click on the Japan category you'll now see the updated site, rather than the older version.

My Japan sketchbook has also been added to the Artwork section.

Hah! And just as I finished the last update, my penpal from Japan IMed me for the first time. What a coincidence.

So now I've got to finish the humor archive, and I can begin playing with new website styles.

Posted by dminky at 10:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A Musical Groaner

Three notes walk into a bar -- a C, an E-flat, and a G. They approach the bartender and call for drinks all around.

The bartender takes a look at them and blandly replies:
"Sorry, we don't serve minors here."

Posted by dminky at 06:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 22, 2005

Be Careful What You Wish For

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Posted by dminky at 05:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 21, 2005

Jokes

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet; I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Posted by dminky at 12:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Back From The Past!

That's right everyone: I am a miracle worker. I can restore the dead back to life!

Look over at the archives section. Notice something? This weblog was created in January 2004. Why, then, are there entries that date to earlier than that? Well obviously because I went back and added them in! But look closer: you'll see that there are now many many more entries that were not there yesterday! Why is that, you ask? Because I brought them back from the dead!

These posts are all legitimate posts that were written on the proper date that they say. The text is what it was, not estimated. The only thing not exactly right is the exact time posted. It's exactly like looking into the past and reading my thoughts that I posted to my old websites!

How did I do this? Actually, here's where I admit that I'm not a miracle worker. The internet is.

I used The Wayback Machine and searched for every form of my website that my brain could possibly think up (though I still think there may be one form that I forgot). I checked the archives for records of www.geocities.com/RainForest/Vines/5330, free.prohosting.com/~d-minky, thunder.prohosting.com/~d-minky, welcome.to/d.minky.land, ringling.edu/~mmeyer, and www.rsad.edu/~mmeyer. I'm not 100% sure, but I think there may be one more site that my webpage existed on for a short time... but I can't remember it if there even is. In any case, the Wayback machine had a *few* archives of these sites. Unfortunately not all of the archives were even complete, so I couldn't get every single update to my site from the past. Even so, the sheer amount of recovered data amazes me, and I'm really happy to be able to recover some of my ramblings and memories from when I was much younger.

As you may know, I've had a website since 1997, and it has had many incarnations since then. However, it's always had a touch of my personality in it, and that's what I find interesting to read. (I don't know if you do, but whatever... I don't care ;-p) One of these days I'd like to try to create a little shrine on this site to the many incarnations that my page has taken during the past 8 years. Just so visitors can see what the pages looked like back then (of course, the Wayback Machine will always be able to show that -- albeit with broken images -- but I'd like to do a little commentary; you know how I like to ramble on about things).

If anyone has the insane desire to go back and read all my newly recovered posts as well as read through every single file you can find of mine on the Wayback Machine (use the asterisk when you search to do that), I would be so appreciative if you could scour and search for any posts that I may have overlooked. I believe I got every one of them that I could, but I may be mistaken.

I'm really happy to have found these scattered entries, but at the same time I've even more nostalgic and wish that I would have archived my files better. It's really fun to watch myself grow throughout the span of my websites, and any extra tidbits of information are extremely interesting to me, if not to anyone else.

Posted by dminky at 02:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 20, 2005

Six Links Of Separation

...or, All Links On The Internet Originate From Me. I didn't want to sound conceited so I used the first title. I'm not saying this to brag.

On more than a few occassions I recieve links from people on my buddy list that I myself sent out just a few hours or even minutes prior. It's really fun to think that my link circulates for that much time among buddy lists, until it makes a full circle back to me.

A few minutes ago I recieved a link that I sent out two years ago. That's the most satisfying. Not to say that the link has been in circulation for that long -- but it was a link that I introduced to a ton of people back then, some of whom bookmarked it and only now sent it back to me.

Obviously a lot of links are discovered by thousands of people on the internet, but nevertheless I like to take credit for some of the more rare ones. (Obviously I didn't discover tubgirl or goatse, but how many people do you know who would send out The Bar Hill Gang?)

Posted by dminky at 11:13 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 17, 2005

Categories (update)

I've started the long and gruelling task of converting all my old "Humor Pages" into posts. Just a couple every day should make it a possible task to do, perhaps by the end of the month or a bit longer. I've decided not to change their dates just because it seems silly to throw them back to 1998 or '99 when I originally posted most of them. I've noticed that a lot of the jokes are dated, but that's kind of fun.

So in theory, once this is complete the humor archives will be searchable and easier to manage as part of the site.

You'll see I've already switched the "Sections" area of this site around a bit, moving my Japan emails, Artwork, and my Senior Trip pages into post categories. I'll probably put the Japan photos into posts and archive them into that category too (maybe after I'm done with the humor). I also plan on organizing my artwork better (though you can see the beginnings of it by clicking on the Artwork category.

I hope February doesn't become too bogged down with posts considering how many humor posts I will be adding this month. ^_^'' Oh well...

Posted by dminky at 10:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Nine Types of Computer Users

  1. El Explicito:
    "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"
    Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
    Disadvantages: So do chimps.
    Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
    Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well, ma'am, you've come to the right place."

  2. Mad Bomber:
    "Well, I hit Alt-f6, shift-f8, Cntrl-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."
    Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
    Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.
    Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect
    Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

  3. Frying Pan/Fire Tactician:
    "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
    Advantages: Will usually fix error.
    Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
    Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of filing them.
    Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."

  4. Shaman:
    "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."
    Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.

    Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
    Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
    Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.

  5. X-user:
    "Will you look at those...um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."
    Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
    Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
    Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
    Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.

  6. Miracle Worker:
    "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.' "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"
    Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
    Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word "horse-puckey".
    Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
    Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

  7. Taskmaster:
    "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?"
    Advantages: Bold new challanges.
    Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
    Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
    Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't know his target's home system, account name, or real name.

  8. Maestro:
    "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this..."
    Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
    Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
    Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
    Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).

  9. Princess:
    "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"
    Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
    Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
    Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
    Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn't like it.

Posted by dminky at 10:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Fifty Ways To Get Rid Of A Blind Date

  1. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
  2. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
  3. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
  4. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
  5. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
  6. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
  7. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
  8. Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
  9. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
  10. Order a bucket of lard.
  11. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier resturants with linen tablecloths.
  12. Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
  13. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
  14. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
  15. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
  16. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
  17. Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
  18. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
  19. Drool.
  20. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
  21. Sacrifice french fries to a Pagon god.
  22. Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
  23. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
  24. Undress your date verbally.
  25. Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.
  26. After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
  27. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.
  28. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.
  29. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
  30. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
  31. Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
  32. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."
  33. Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."
  34. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"
  35. Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
  36. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
  37. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
  38. Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.
  39. During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.
  40. Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.
  41. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
  42. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
  43. Repeat every third third word you say say.
  44. Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.
  45. Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.
  46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
  47. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
  48. Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
  49. Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
  50. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

Posted by dminky at 10:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Three Kinds of Sex

House Sex: When you're newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room of the house.

Bedroom Sex: After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.

Hallway Sex: After you've been married for many, many years and you just pass by each other in the hallway and say "Fuck You!"

Posted by dminky at 10:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The $2 Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

(Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.)

Posted by dminky at 10:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Twelve Reasons Why "Star Wars" Beats "Star Trek"

  1. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on 'stun'.
  2. The enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp - the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.
  3. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable - after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
  4. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
  5. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
  6. One word: lightsabers
  7. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
  8. The Death Star doesn't care if the Earth is class M or not.
  9. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
  10. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter inpulse power. Han Solo floors it.
  11. Aliens have make-up in other places than their foreheads.
  12. Death Star vs. Enterprise

Posted by dminky at 09:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

How To Spot A Comp-Sci Student


  1. When dating: ends up together in front of a computer.
  2. In the street: he's the one carrying a box of floppy discs.
  3. In discussion: is the one who starts laughing hysterically when the topic of computer reliability is brought up.
  4. Anywhere: Red watery eyes, and sleepy if awake before 4pm.
  5. Bumper sticker on car: My ware is harder, bigger and faster than yours.
  6. Thinks a perfect Saturday Night is a fast fsp-connection to a base with plenty of gifs, and a case of Heineken.
  7. Cancels dates because he's too occupied with a new mud.
  8. Keeps being caught with Playboy by the scanner.
  9. Keeps more than 16 sheets of printouts on his desk.
  10. Thinks IRC is the perfect way to get dates.

Posted by dminky at 09:59 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Ten Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Chemistry Lab

  1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
  2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
  3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
  4. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
  5. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
  6. Deny the existence of chemicals.
  7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
  8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
  9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
  10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Posted by dminky at 09:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Ten Golf Quotes That Sound Dirty

  1. Look at the size of his putter
  2. Oh shit my shafts all bent.
  3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
  4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
  5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
  6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
  7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
  8. Just turn your back and drop it.
  9. Hold up.. I've got to wash my balls.
  10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Posted by dminky at 09:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Evidence That "Scooby Doo" Was A Drug-Influenced Cartoon

  1. Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
  2. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
  3. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him.
  4. Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
  5. They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
  6. Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a zoink?
  7. Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what).
  8. They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side.
  9. Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
  10. Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.

Posted by dminky at 09:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Ten Puns

  1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

  2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

  3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

  4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

  5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

  6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

  7. A woman has twins and places them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

  8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
    He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

  9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Posted by dminky at 09:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

100 Ways To Order A Pizza

  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
  4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
  6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
  7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
  8. Answer their questions with questions.
  9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
  10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
  11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
  12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
  13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
  14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
  15. Stutter on the letter "p."
  16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser!Cheeser!)
  17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
  19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  23. Change your accent every three seconds.
  24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
  26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
  27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
  28. Rent a pizza.
  29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
  31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
  32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
  33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
  34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
  36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
  37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
  39. Play a sitar in the background.
  40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
  41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  42. Ask to see a menu.
  43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
  44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
  45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be shamed.
  48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
  50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
  51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
  53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
  54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
  56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
  57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
  58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
  59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
  61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  62. Try to talk while drinking something.
  63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and action!"
  64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
  65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  66. Be vague in your order.
  67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
  68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
  69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
  70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
  71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
  72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
  73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
  75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
  78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced goffer.
  79. Put them on hold.
  80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
  81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
  82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
  83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
  84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
  85. Haggle.
  86. Order a one-inch pizza.
  87. Order term life insurance.
  88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
  89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
  90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
  91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
  92. Engage in some serious swapping.
  93. 93.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
  94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
  95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
  96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
  97. Order a steamed pizza.
  98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
  99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker:
  100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Posted by dminky at 09:46 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

100 Indications That You're From South Jersey

  1. You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality.
  2. When it snows more than an inch, you call it a blizzard.
  3. Your neighbor's house was foreclosed after an unlucky night in Atlantic City.
  4. You know someone named Siprasiut Xayapachan.
  5. You've actually found the Echelon Mall.
  6. Your uncle is in the Mafia.
  7. You have Lyme Disease.
  8. You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.
  9. You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them.
  10. You think a mountain is any land form taller than your house.
  11. You know what became of the 13th Leeds child, and claim to have seen him one time while peeing in the woods.
  12. You stay away from Getty and BP, and stick with Mobil and Gulf.
  13. You know what a "shoe-bie" is and can pick one out at the beach.
  14. One time you were driving in the woods and got stuck in sand.
  15. You have an EZ Pass, but you just hold it up.
  16. You live next to an impenetrable swamp.
  17. You go to Delaware to buy smokes.
  18. Even though there's a new Walmart in your town, you still go to the Berlin Farmers Market for cheap stuff.
  19. Your neighborhood demonstrates coexistence of African-Americans and racist rednecks.
  20. To you, "gravel" means orange dirt.
  21. You love hockey, and have been to a Flyers game.
  22. You know that you should get the hell out of Camden before dark.
  23. You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.
  24. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April AND May.
  25. You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.
  26. You can smell and know when it's low tide.
  27. F-16s buzz your house at like 150 feet.
  28. You remember the bad gypsy moth years.
  29. The Eagles/Giants rivalry has started fights at your school and/or local bar.
  30. You eat at restaurants that have locations I, II, III, IV, and V.
  31. You get excited when you see Chopper 6, and you can hum the Action News song.
  32. You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.
  33. Honesty, sincerity, and courtesy are things you once saw happen in Ohio.
  34. You know that you don't put ketchup on boardwalk fries.
  35. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
  36. You get three 50's in a row when you play skeeball
  37. You live in Cape May, but you still won't take the ferry because it's too expensive and crowded.
  38. You think the Olive Garden is a bunch of crap and should not open restaurants in South Jersey.
  39. You've hung out at a gravel pit.
  40. You worked at a blueberry farm when you were 13.
  41. You played soccer from Kindergarten through high school.
  42. You've counted the number of titty bars on the Black Horse Pike.
  43. You always went to the Franklin Institute when you were a kid.
  44. You've run out of money on the Parkway.
  45. You know what "cedar water" is.
  46. Your middle school hangout was the mall.
  47. You have an unusable, piece-of-shit boat in your front yard.
  48. You once skipped school and went to Wildwood.
  49. You're Italian.
  50. You know where to get the best bagel.
  51. You've called someone an "asshole" to their face at the Philly airport.
  52. Donald Trump is mentioned at least daily in your local paper.
  53. You say "wooder" instead of "water".
  54. You have pine trees, holly trees, and mountain laurel in your yard.
  55. You had a sandbox.
  56. Even your school made good Italian subs.
  57. You've almost fallen asleep on the Expressway.
  58. You've rented a house "down the shore" before.
  59. You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.
  60. You can point to the two closest nuclear plants.
  61. You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
  62. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
  63. You packed up the family on a Sunday and went to Cowtown Rodeo.
  64. You never had school on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.
  65. You once shot a whippoorwill on a summer night at 3 A.M.
  66. You take day trips to New York City.
  67. The Mafia runs half the businesses in your town.
  68. You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.
  69. In the woods behind your house, you can find couches, washing machines, and shoes.
  70. You don't have to go to red lobster to get fresh seafood.
  71. You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.
  72. You know how to pronounce "Buena" on Route 40.
  73. You've made a meal out of Tastycakes, Herr's BBQ potato chips, and Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer.
  74. You know the Atlantic City High School marching band can lay down some phat beats.
  75. You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in South Jersey if the 76ers didn't blow."
  76. You watch Evening Magazine.
  77. You remember when Rowan was Glassboro State and TCNJ was Trenton State.
  78. You remember Channel 48, Boss 97, Eagle 106, and Harvey in the Morning.
  79. You know New Years is all about the Mummers and the Polar Bear club.
  80. You smoke Parliament Lights.
  81. You go to the local Fire Department barbecue in June.
  82. Down the road, in the middle of nowhere, is an Egyptian restaurant and a custard stand with a miniature golf course.
  83. You know what custard is in South Jersey.
  84. You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!
  85. In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.
  86. Route 206 doesn't freak you out at night.
  87. Because your town was founded before 1776, all the restaurants, taverns, and shops have "ye", "olde", and "colonial" in their names.
  88. One time, a sea gull shit all over your head.
  89. You talk to the guy at the dump.
  90. You once said, "It smells like Philadelphia in here."
  91. You've waited for the goddamn drawbridge for more than ten minutes.
  92. You even swam in the ocean after the hypodermic needle scare.
  93. Your mom still loves Bruce Springsteen.
  94. You know it can be 70 degrees in January.
  95. There's a fruit and vegetable stand down the road.
  96. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.
  97. Somewhere along the line, someone was really screwed you over in a business transaction.
  98. You often use multiple variations of the F-word while driving.
  99. You say "Yo" and you say it often.
  100. You don't take any shit from anybody.

Posted by dminky at 09:41 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 16, 2005

Categories?

So I had a spare moment to play with Moveable Type (after 8 hours straight of painting tonight) and tried out the "Categories" feature. It's pretty cool. I think I'm going to remove the old "Humor Archive" page and redo them all as posts. That might take some time, but it'd be cool, wouldn't it? Then they'd be searchable as well as fit in with the stylesheet of this blog. Don't hold your breath though, I'm really busy this semester. ;-)

Posted by dminky at 01:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

A Close Call

Sometimes you just don't think sentences through before you type them. Here's a snippet that illustrates what I mean:

LeoHourvitz: that's what print-screen does on a mac
Arr Me Mateys: very interesting
Arr Me Mateys: and damn your dock is huge...
Arr Me Mateys: that's dOck
LeoHourvitz: whew! make sure you don't mistype that one!
Arr Me Mateys: i didnt even notice how bad that line was...

Posted by dminky at 01:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 14, 2005

Happy VD! Err... Valentine's Day...

I would have written something cute or clever, but I just found the perfect link (LINK! Ahh! You'll get the joke when you see the page...) for this joyous occasion. Enjoy:

http://x-entertainment.com/articles/0872/

Posted by dminky at 01:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 09, 2005

Mouse Repair

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

Posted by dminky at 11:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Can I Help You?

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Posted by dminky at 11:01 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 08, 2005

We Are Getting A Divorce

An elderly man in Singapore called his son in Sydney and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Canberra and tell her," and he hung up.

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."

She called her dad immediately, and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. "Okay," he said, "they're coming home for Lunar New Year and paying their own airfares."

Posted by dminky at 04:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 06, 2005

Where Have I Been?

I don't know if an appology is necessary for not updating much this semester, but I still feel kind of bad. Even if I never said anything important last semester. I'm so incredibly busy with my thesis that I don't think about writing here very often. Or keeping up with email, or anything else like that.

I'd really liek to get a job by the time I graduate, and my parents have put a whole lot of pressure on me to do so (which is not helping one single bit, I can tell you), but so far it's been all bad luck. Of course, bad luck seems to be my best friend most of the time so it's not all that surprising.

Anyway, tomorrow I got to a presentation by Disney Feature Animation (I got rejected by Disney Design Group on Friday) so we'll see if they show any interest in me. With all the CA's applying, it's not too likely, but they do have need for traditional illustrators too, so it's not entirely out of the question.

I'm having the most trouble with my Crusader chicken so far, while my Chinese Emperor, Viking, and Samurai chickens are all nearly complete. I'm sketching out my Turkish Sultan and Robber Baron chickens so I can rotate between those as I continue to fight with my Crusader.

I really miss playing D&D, and I've bought a few online books (dirt cheap!) to prepare for a big campaign I'd like to run this summer (providing my players show some interest and don't just fade away into World of Warcraft or other things like has happened in the past). I've got a lot of awesome stuff planned for it, so hopefully I'll be able to find people to play it who will be just as into it as I am.

My other classes are going OK I guess. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not coming up with anything to show for my digital video class though. The instructor loved my work last year and I wanted to be able to do some more this semester, but I just don't have the focus. I haven't got any burning stories to film at the moment because I'm so focused on my thesis. It's a pretty bad thing considering how much I want to do film... but what can I say, I enjoy this project a lot and really hope it can get me a job. Hopefully after I graduate I can get together with some friends and try to flesh out some decent video work.

One of these days I'd really like to start playing around with this site and making the blog a little more interesting, seeing as how it's so customizable. I also need to create an online portfolio, too. But there's just too many things I want to do, too many things I need to do first, and hardly any time to do any of them.

Posted by dminky at 11:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 02, 2005

Politically Correct Slang for Men and Women

Women:

Men:

Posted by dminky at 04:05 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack