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December 04, 2000
The Beast
The beast... oh man, let me tell you about "the beast." As you know, it is a general rule that when there is a common bathroom (such as in a school or on a bus) it will never be flushed, no matter how foul the monster living inside is. "The beast" is by far, the most foul, most hideous, and most dangerous "lurker" I have ever encountered. That is the name dubbed to the lurker at the Collingswood Scottish Rite consistory in December 2000. I don't know who planted the seed or how long it matured in the 1st stall of the backstage restroom, but I do now that we are all guilty of feeding it and nourishing it.
I first met the beast when Ross came running up to me, laughing. He told me, more or less: "I had to smash after eating some Taco Bell, so I went into the first stall and the water was black with shit! I checked the second stall -- clean as a bell. So I smashed in the first stall!" Next, he insisted that I go view the abberation. Of course, being a guy, I agreed, and I saw what was the most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life! So naturally I dumped my thermos of ramen noodles in to add to the black mass.
Let me take this time to tell you -- the water was black. Not dark brown, but black. I don't know if it was chunky, smooth, or what because not even light could escape that bowl. I wish to God that I had taken a picture to show you the horror from the first stall.
If that didn't make this production (it was Peter Pan) fun enough, about an hour later we saw Scarpa, one of the pirates, walk into the bathroom. Ross and I watched intently, counting the seconds: 1... 2... 3... then, from inside the bathroom (which was across a crowded, noisy room) we heard Scarpa shout: "THERE IS NO GOD!" Well that was all we could take. We collapsed with laughter, and I swear I have never laughed so hard in my life. "There is no God" was his true reaction to the beast. He didn't know we were listening to him, nobody else was in the bathroom. That was what went through his mind, and it was strong enough that he vocalized it. Needless to say, the rest of the night was spend carrying cast members, agaisnt their will, to the restroom while chanting, "To the beast! To the beast!" She became like family.
On a sad note, the beasts lovable qualities ended up being its own undoing. The smell grew to be so foul1 that not even the closed door, or massive ventilation could mask it. The next week, we came back to visit it and found that someone had not only flushed our beloved beast, but they had coated the entire room in Lemon Pledge so that you would never know that a lifeform had existed in there.
1. Well you didn't expect us not to add to the beast, did you?
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