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April 20, 2001
More Humor
22 New jokes have been added to the Humor Archive!
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April 18, 2001
Senior Trip Review
My Senior Trip Review is complete. More pictures will be added later, but the review is all done.
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April 14, 2001
Senior Trip: Day 5
Magic Kingdom, Orlando
Group: Ross, Adrienne, Chen, Chemen, Anna
Park Rating: 
| I don't think many people were thrilled about going here, but the Magic Kingdom was definitely better than I expected. Last time I was here I think I was 2 years old or something, but thanks to an old, crappy Nintendo game (Adventures in the Magic Kingdom), I had the park memorized and didn't have trouble getting around. The Pirates of the Caribbean and The Haunted Mansion (my favorite rides there) were not what I expected from Disney. I mean, I'd have been peeing my pants if I was a little kid (I'm sure I did when I went there the 1st time). They were pretty freakin' scary. Even Anna "I'm Not Scared" Brudnicka screamed in the Haunted Mansion, although she wouldn't admit it afterwards. If the lines weren't so long and the day wasn't o freaking hot (I thought we were all gonna pass out) the Magic Kingdom would've been a lot better. Oh yeah, and I had to pay 10 bucks for a sandwich. 10 freakin' bucks! Now, granted it was very good sandwich, but for 10 bucks it has to be better than good, it has to be orgasmic. And I have yet to find that sandwich. |  |
One thing you don't want to miss at Disney is their shows. Disney actors are forced (at gunpoint or threats of castration, I'm sure) to smile bigger than Tony would if he met the pope. The only thing that could have kept me standing in that sun (so hot you could fry an egg in your pants) was the Something Something High School Ballroom Dance Competition (which was neither a competition, nor ballroom dancing). It was a group of prozac-pumped dancers who danced disco in the funkiest costumes this side of Village Thrift. Very enjoyable!
Here's a tip: if you ever go to Disney World, bring earplugs, or at least make sure that you like annoyingly catchy pop music. The Disney parade went through as we were leaving, sing some "Now is the Time to Remember the Magic" song over and over and over and over and over again. And there was nothing I could do but sing along. I think the theory "kill or be killed" has something to do with this situation, but I don't know for sure.
The funniest part of this day was that when we got to the buses to go to the airport (everyone arrived very early due to the heat and "It's a Small World") we found out that the plane was delayed, and we had another 3 hours in the park! Let me tell you, the profanity coming from my bus was better than watching South Park. But by then it was a lot cooler out, and we each got 10 Mickey dollars (to make up for my sandwich, I guess) and I saw a neat Merlin show. Also, I drank the water on "It's a Small World." My vision isn't blurred, I can still feel my toes, and as far as I know I'm not sterile, so I guess the water isn't as bad as they say. I didn't get any money for it, though. Oh yeah, and after we got off the ferry, there was a Balzac2 floating in the dirty Mickey water. Hey, free Balzac!
Well, that about wraps up the Senior Trip. The bus and plane rides were just like any bus or plane ride -- you just talk about crashing loud enough that all the people deathly afraid of planes hear you and start getting really mad. I managed to find room for one last prank though -- Andrew Panaccio started snoring loudly in the seat right behind me (big mistake!), so I started stuffing our complimentary hoagies into his mouth. Man, it took a lot to wake that kid up. And he kept falling back alseep after taking the bread out of his mouth. I hope I can get Jill and Jacklyn's pictures of that up here soon.
2. For those of you who don't remember Balzac, it was an early 90's money-grabbing scheme (i.e. toy) in which a balloon is inflated inside of a cloth sack. Don't ask me what genius thought this up, or why it is better than your average 5-dollar supermarket bouncy-ball, but it is.
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April 13, 2001
Senior Trip: Day 4
Islands of Adventure, Orlando
Group: Ross, Adrienne, Chen, Chemen, Mike, John, Foober
Park Rating: 
Islands of Adventure is a really neat theme park, consisting of 5 "islands" with their own themes. I don't know their official names, but it was basically Marvel Super-Heroes land, Cartoon land, Jurassic Park land, Dungeons and Dragons land, and Dr. Seuss land. Marvel land was probably the best, ride-wise anyway. The Hulk, Dr. Doom's Fear Fall, the teacups (no, it wasn't call the teacups, stupid), and Spiderman were all very good rides. Toon land wasn't great -- in fact it was rather annoying. I wanted to punch every little kid I saw while in that land. Jurassic Park land was cool, except that the one ride we really wanted to go on had a height restriction. Arrg. I liked Dungeons and Dragons land, it had the best look to it, and some really cool rides too. There was a neat walk-through Atlantis adventure-thingy, and there was also a great roller coaster called Dueling Dragons. I want whoever designed the line for that ride to design my house. Finally, there was Dr. Seuss land, which was pretty cool actually. Just make sure you're sober when you go there. That must be the scariest place on Earth if you're drunk or high.
I was prepared for this day in advance, having skipped out of Universal on the first day to come here. We broke down and got express tickets to the rides, which were really really good. But the real adventure on these islands was escaping from certain members of our group (I won't bother mentioning their names in case they read this). Now, there wasn't anything really wrong with our group, except that a certain two people were attached to my hip! After a few rides it was all I could take and we started trying to break off. But you don't understand -- they were everywhere! It was unnatural! I would go to the bathroom and they'd follow me. Get a drink and they'd get one too. Heck, I bet if I got my chest plucked they'd be on top of that too.
So anyway, to make a long, horrible story short, it took hours to finally get away from then, but we managed. As soon as we got away we went to see Along Came a Spider just to make sure they wouldn't find us again. Yeah I know, seeing a movie at a theme park seems kind of stupid... but it was really hot, and having gone to amusement parks for the past 3 days we were getting pretty desperate for something else to do. Anyway, it was a good movie, and by the time we got out, it had cooled down a bit, and it was time for more rides.
| There were two highlights this day: meeting John Hammond and playing in a steel drum band. After we had gone on the Jurassic Park flume ride, Ross and I looked up to see a man in a white suit with a cane waiting at the end of the ride. It was none other than John Hammond, creator of Jurassic Park! As soon as the ride stopped, we jumped out and ran over to give him a big hug. He seemed to enjoy it very much, but Adrienne wasn't too thrilled. I almost feel bad for her, seeing as Ross and I managed to embarrass her every chance we got. Emphasis on the 'almost'... And then after we tried going on the flume again (I say tried because we went all the way through the express line only to be turned away, all because our tickets were a measly 5 hours late) we noticed a steel drum band setting up outside. We ran over and I requested the limbo song. Not only did they play it, but they gave Ross and I banana shakers to play in the band with them. How sweet is that? I guess Jurassic Park land was just the most happening Island of Adventure. |  This is the extent of what we did in Cartoon land. |
The weather at night time was perfect, and I got to watch a firework show on a grassy hill, eating my 4 dollar hotdog. There's not much more to say about this park except that someday I'm coming back here and going on that Cat in the Hat ride drunk.
 Our class photo. That's me top and center (in case you didn't already see my shirt)! |
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April 12, 2001
Senior Trip: Day 3
Wet 'n' Wild, Orlando
Group: Ross, Adrienne, Chen, Chemen, Anna, Jill, John, Foober
Park Rating: 
The one thing that made up for this park being so small is the fact that it had so many unique rides. Plus, it was the first park that Chen didn't get sick on. Yay Chen! This day also would have been better if it wasn't the coldest, cloudiest day of the trip, but it was still fun.
The best rides here were the Storm, (which was like one of those things at museums where you drop your penny in and watch it roll its way around a large funnel-like tube until it falls down the hole in the center, only for humans, not pennies) and the Bomb Bay (which was a hollow rocket that you stand in and when you least expect the floor drops out and you free-fall down a six story waterslide). Not only that, if you didn't cross your legs tightly... well let's just say you'd be walking funny for a few hours. If I worked there it would definately be the rocketship ride. Those operators played all sorts of tricks on people, like saying, "Make sure your feet are behind the red line!" And then, when you are frantically searching for a non-existant red line to put your feet behind, he pushes the button. Rich! The second time I did it, there was a girl operator who looked like she was dying for some entertainment, so when it was Jill's turn to go, she held the door shut and told me to press the release button. How sweet is that?! Then, when it was my turn, she asked me if I was going to shout. "What do you mean?" was my response, so she clarified it for me: "Profanties." She actually requested that I shout profanities. Anyway, I was told afterwards that I gave her a good laugh.
I do have a complaint though. There was this totally awesome looking ride called Bubble Up. It was basically a huge bubble with ropes going up the side so you could climb up it. At the top there was a fountain which kept the thing slippery. I wanted to go on it so badly, but then when I got there, there was a height and age restriction. Just like that giant inflatable clown on the boardwalk. Arrg! Why do the best rides have height and age restrictions? Little kids can't appreciate the fun in a giant inflatable clown or a climbable water bubble! There was obviously an attempt to appease other disgruntled teenagers like me, for someone had put large water guns along the perimeter of the bubble for shooting the kids with. Shooting kids was a lot of fun, although they didn't like it very much, and the attendents didn't like me heckling the kids.
Oh yeah, and here's something to remember for the next time you wake up really early to go to a water park: don't accidentally put on bug spray instead of sunscreen. I was a bit too tired, and my eyes were still closed, and all I remember is that whatever the hell I put on went *spray spray* instead of *glorp glorp*, and now I'm quite sunburned.
Pirates Adventure Dinner
Group: Ross, Ryan, Dave, Shane
Park Rating:
Okay, maybe its just cause I think pirates are the coolest thing since my Uncle Gary taught me the "pull my finger" trick, but this was, by far, the best time on the trip and also the best night of my life. The food was great, the show was spectacular, and even the dance afterwards was pretty fun. I yelled so much on this night alone that I ruined my voice for the rest of the trip, and I still can't talk or sing (boy was I glad karaoke night was yesterday!). I can't even begin to tell you how much fun I had, but if you were on the trip I'm sure you saw the deleriously happy look in my eyes. The dinner was excellent, and my seat was right in the front (right behind the beer tap and serving wenches!). I even got to help raise the sails (this wasn't all that great though, because they made my hands smell like beer and sweat).
There was only one disappointing thing about the pirate show. Now, when you think of pirates, what color are they wearing? That's right, red. Red is the true pirate's color. The color of blood. I was in the red group, which thrilled me, because red beats out purple, orange, blue, yellow, and green for pirate colors. Also, our pirate had the best name too: Jack. Jack is a pirate's name. Not like Hernando, Skippy, Seinfeld, Chip and Dale, or whatever the hell those other pirates were named. Jack was the epitome of a pirate: mean, bossy, dirty looking. Yet somehow, he was the worst pirate of them all. He couldn't catch, he wasn't fast, and he only got third place in the pirate fight. I mean, even the purple guy (I think Tinky Winky was his name) who was an acrobat and fruitier than starburst was pretty cool. But Jack? No. Not cool. I could have taken him.
The dance party afterwards... well they didn't play the best music, and certain aspects were a little scary (seeing my principal in drag), but I still had a great time. There were some very excellent parts that night: Jill C. sneaking up and dancing with total strangers, finding a dollar, and scaring Tracy to the point where she hid in the bathroom for the rest of the night. And acting like pirates. That was a big plus. Oh yeah, and I even had the chance to create a "beast" of my own (it was all the German food from Busch Gardens plus the craziness inside me from so many rollercoasters). Ah, pirates!
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April 11, 2001
Senior Trip: Day 2
Busch Gardens, Tampa
Group: Ross, Adrienne, Chen, Chemen, John
Park Rating:
Busch Gardens was my least anticipated day, since I have been to this park more often than I've used public restrooms. But that was also a plus, since having the park memorized meant that I could skip all the crap and go right to the good rides. This actually turned out to be one of the best days though. First of all, it was the only park we went to with Strawberry Mirages. If you ever go to Busch Gardens, buy the Strawberry Mirages! I can't stress that enough. Secondly, it had the best coasters and best food of all the parks. And thirdly, there must have been a blue light special at K-Mart because there were no lines on any of the rides! It only took about 20 minutes to get front row on a coaster, and these were really great roller coasters1.
It was kind of fun being the group guide that day. I felt like I should have been wearing khakis and a pith helmet, then I could have gone around saying, "Croikey! Luke et tha soize a' thet Bugga! Oi bet she'd nip off ya ahm in one boit!"
One thing I'm glad I didn't miss is the bird show. Yeah, I see it every time I visit Beer (oops, I mean Busch) Gardens, but it's good all the same. There's just something special about seeing a group of sun conures poop all over their trainer's arm. After the show we went looking for the spot where you get to hold macaws, but we ended up wandering into the bird aviary instead. This, I can tell, was Adrienne least favorite part. As soon as we got in, two birds that looked like a mix between chickens and vultures came up and start biting my toes! I don't know, I guess they looked like worms or something, but I ran away from them, so they cornered Adrienne. She didn't really like the idea of being attacked by vulture-chickens either, so she tried kicking them, but that didn't work either. We all ended up running away from them.
| The best part of Busch Gardens (for those of us under 21, anyway) is the food. They have a big German festhouse called (appropriately) "Das Festhaus." Using my meal vouchers, I got 2 bratwursts, 2 knackwursts, 2 full plates of saurkraut and boiled cabbage, a whole pickle, cherry cheesecake, and lemonade for only 2 bucks. Not only was the price sweet, but it also held a party afterwards in my intestines that lasted all through the next day (as you will read about below) until Easter morning. |  |
(This is a great action shot -- you can see the water coming to smack us right in the face.)  |
 |
After Busch Gardens we headed back to the hotel for some swimmin' and some singin'. God, do I love karaoke! As Dave Barry put it, "the term comes from two Japanese words, 'kara,' meaning 'amateurs,' and 'oke,' meaning 'getting up in bars and singing for your entertainment until you want to punch them.' . . . One of the most popular karaoke tunes is 'My Way,' which has been proven, in U.S. government studies, to be the most obnoxious song ever written." Sure enough, someone sang "My Way," but the highlight of that evening for me was singing "In the Still of the Night" with Mike and Ross. And that was the last I heard of my voice for a long time...
1. Unless, of course, you're Chen, in which case you'd never been to an amusement park before, and you decided to make your first roller coaster the Montu, a really fast, twisting, inverted coaster. Then you throw up.
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April 10, 2001
Senior Trip: Day 1
Wow, it came so fast. The Senior Trip. Before any of us knew it, it was here and we were all packing. This trip was the most fun I've ever had in my life, and if any of you are Juniors reading this, make sure you go on the Senior Trip! You will not regret it!
The adventure really starts on Day -1, when I had to drive my folks to the airport for their trip to England. I had good directions to get to the airport, but I forgot to ask how to get back home from the airport. The result: about an hour driving around Philadelphia with no idea where I was. Luckily, Dodge Caravans have compasses built in, so by going east the whole time, I found my way to a sign that said "Warning: Plant Facility Ahead." So I U-turned, found an interstate going east and then found my way home.
Boy did this creep up on me! I finally realized after karate that the trip was tomorrow, and I ran around to stores to stock up on snacks and then I hurried home to pack. All the other seniors were asleep, or at least trying to sleep, since we had to get up at 3 in the morning to get to school by 4:15. Naturally, I didn't start packing until 11 the night before. To top all of that, it was so hot that I couldn't sleep -- I think I finally fell asleep around 2, but I woke up in 45 mniutes and couldn't fall back to sleep. So I really started this trip off pretty well.
| Anyway, I walked to school on time and had my bags searched so carefully (first by the teachers, then by the dogs, and then by the solar-powered robotic nuclear/narcotics squad) that I felt like I was doing something wrong by packing. (I knew this was going to happen in advance, so I considered packing all of my mothers underwear, a globe, rubber chickens, and large portrait of Jesus. I thought this might bring trouble, though, so I just went with the chickens, a sock monkey holding a "Back Off" sign, and 15 cans of Diet Pepsi.) From there it was busride to the airport, plane to Orlando on which we watched a poor copy of Toy Story 2 (I'm still not sure what happened, but that cowgirl chick wasn't too bad). From there, it was on to Universal Studios for the day. |  |
The strangest thing about the first day is that we didn't see anyone else from our school all day, except for the same group, which we saw over and over and over. There were over 100 people from CHS going, and it was a pretty small group, but it seemed like ours and Celeste's group were the only two groups from our school that were there.
Universal Studios, Orlando
Group: Ryan, Dave, Shane
Park Rating: 
At Universal I had my first taste of the newest evil of the modern world: Express Tickets. The basic idea is that greedy SOB's who can't wait their turn in line get into a "special" (i.e. retarded) line which leads directly to the ride. Sure, this is nice if you have an Express Ticket, but since every loser in the park manages to get them, the Express Line can last up to 40 minutes anyway. And it just makes the regular line go over 120 minutes. It's a nice thought, but only about as nice as an inflatable dart board. I waited well over an hour -- a freaking hour -- to go see "Jaws." I almost passed out from heat exhaustion in the line, and I almost passed out from lack of brain activity on the ride. I had to consciously tell myself to breath while on that ride.
Even worse than "Jaws" was "Earthquake, the Ride." This was a Charlton Heston original, which I guess is why nobody had ever heard of the flick. Anyway, after the painfully hot line, I was selected to be the "stunt double" from the audience. I thought this would make my day, since I would get to make a fool out of myself in front of about 300 people. But no! I did nothing at all! I stood in the center, was introduced, then walked backstage for the rest of the show while they made jokes with a crash-dummy they called "Matt Meyer." Then the ride... man oh man... The only good thing about that ride was that the guy sitting next to me was Spanish, so I pretended to be Russian and spouted off all sorts of crazy jargon. It's always good to confuse the foreigners.
And to make matters worse, there was supposed to be a "stuntacular" at night. I was looking forward to this, seeing as the park provided little entertainment. Of course, following Murphy's Laws, this "stuntacular" never occurred. So we had to spend another godforsaken hour in the park. Now, I'm not saying the park sucked; it certainly was no Clementon Park. I'm just saying it could have, and should have, been much better. The rides that made this park worth going to were Back to the Future and Terminator 2 3D. Very cool rides. Also, if you get a "2 Day 2 Park" pass, you can sneak out of Universal and go to Islands of Adventure (which is exactly what we did, hehe).
That said, and Universal being done, we tossed our famished bodies into the buses for the hotel and food. Oh, did I mention that each room got a single pizza and 1 can of soda each? Wonderful. We finished our pizza in under a minute, and left the box and crusts on the floor. The good side of this is that Mr. Dorney stepped in our pizza trash during the room check. It's always good to end the night on a positive note.
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